On contemplation . . .

I have had a very interesting Easter weekend. I am not a regular churchgoer, in fact, I am a regular questioner of all thing religious and churchy. Being of a curious mind, I read, study, and ponder many things on spirituality – I do consider myself a spiritual person; I will claim that I am agnostic (though, just to confuse the matter, I was christened Presbyterian). This Easter sunday just gone, however, I attended church. Catholic Mass to be exact. Why you may ask? I claim to be an agnostic, yet attended a church service for the most important date in the Christian calender. Well, as I said, I am of a curious mind and therefore wished to satisfy this curiosity and gain some new knowledge in the process.

Now, you may be wondering, what does this have to do with disability?

When I was a child I did have an unwavering belief in God. We, as a family, would never go to church except for weddings, christenings and funerals, and my only scripture lessons were in school, but I did believe in a God that had a purpose for my life. I remember once saying that because I was born without most of my limbs, God had given me other talents that made up for this. Talents that seemed incongruous to my disability. Talents such as being able to read piano sheet music and playing the piano, talent to knit, talent to draw, talent to float and swim well. I thanked God for these talents, but even then I felt that it was a bargain made with God, just to make up for my other deficiencies. That was when I believed God as this big man, up in the sky looking down on me, determining my fate.

As I grew up and became more aware of myself, of the world, of knowledge itself, I started to question this idea of God. I was accepting of my disability, regardless of whether God had given me talents to make up for it. I had my talents because I wanted to have these talents and I was willing to give anything a go. I dabbled in other spiritual paths; I had an interest in my Pagan roots (having a family history firmly rooted in Celtic lands), I pursued Buddhism and Zen, talked to Muslim friends about Islam, and read up Judaism. I learnt much from all.

What was my biggest point of discovery?

All of these spiritual practices, (including Christianity), when boiled down to the basic tenants of each faith, were contemplative traditions, with a focus on knowing oneself and being true to oneself, and in being this self aware, knowing how to morally and ethically be in the world. Well, imagine my surprise when I realised I have been a practising Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Jew, and Pagan all this time.

You see, having been born with a disability I have had to become extremely self aware from an early age. I have had to accept that I am different to my able bodied peers and become very okay with that from the time I started school. I could not change my body, like others can diet and exercise to change their bodies to “fit in” more. My body was my body is my body; and I wouldn’t change it even if I could. Why? Because my body has given me the chance to be apart from the social norm, given me a chance to contemplate what is most important in life, to know myself in such a way that my moral and ethical code is one of love, acceptance, peace, and hope (perhaps I don’t always show these qualities, but we are not infallible creatures). In this sense, my disability has been a blessing, and I am sure that many other peoples with disabilities would feel the same.

At the Easter Mass I attended on Easter sunday I had an epiphany, of sorts, as the Priest spoke to the congregation – The truth (for me) of any God, spiritual power, or universal energy, is to heal the self, heal the soul from suffering, to use contemplative practice to bring yourself out of misery and into acceptance of who you are. Through this practice you can become a more loving, kind, caring person. I accepted that I am missing limbs and that I can’t do everything, but do I really want to do everything? Nope, what I want to do, regardless of any religious affiliation, race, or sexuality, is accept people for who they are, for their experiences, and to show them that the best path to a peaceful mind is for them to accept others for who they are. We are all ourselves and nothing can change that; and yet, we can still all care for another without conditions or requirements.

I think I still consider myself agnostic, but that does not mean that I did not have a lesson to learn this Easter weekend. Did you learn anything spiritually engaging over Easter?

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